A Public Service Announcement: Beware of Jesus Pimps

While you may not be familiar with the term Jesus pimp (coined by my 'little' Anne Birkett in 2005 when describing the king of Jesus pimps in action at the OU cafeteria), you are more than likely all-too-familiar with the kind of guys it describes.  


Ben Lee gives the basic definition of a Jesus pimp in his song Get Gotten... "Big, big dreams in a small, small world, and I'm using God to pick up girls..."  


And that is what they do, whether on purpose or not, Jesus pimps use the inherent 'good guy' status associated with their church involvement, community service, extracurricular activities, etc, to lure in unsuspecting girls.  Sometimes they find their perfect match in a lovely little Jesus pimptress (yes, girls can qualify for this as well), but often their actions just lead to annoying confusion and frustration.  After witnessing and experiencing the obnoxious behaviors of Jesus pimps far too many times throughout the years, I decided that the world needed a PSA warning against their kind.  (Please note that I am by NO MEANS issuing a PSA about Christian guys in general.  As a Christian myself, a guy's faith is of major importance to me when deciding whether or not to date him.  Jesus pimps are not your average nice Christian guy, although sometimes they can be cleverly disguised as one, hence the need for this post.)


In order to best detail the variety of J.P. tendencies, I've broken them down into five categories: the multi-tasker, the evangelist,  the over-eager, the non-committer, and the wolf in sheep's clothing.  


1.) The Multi-Tasker

 A distinct breed of a "player", this type of Jesus pimp leads numerous hopeful girls on simultaneously. What distinguishes him from regular players is the fact that while he's irresponsibly wooing multiple girls, he does not actually hook up with them, like a normal player would. Instead, the multi-tasking J.P. simply takes a multitude of girls on seemingly innocent dates in the guise of 'just hanging out', ergo, not getting serious with any of them. He is overly (read: annoyingly) friendly and outgoing and thinks that every female between the ages of 18 and 29 is automatically great friends with him after one brief introduction.  He tends to be very affectionate, embracing even minor female acquaintances in huge bear hugs upon seeing them. He's fun-loving and spontaneous but also slightly indie and pensive, so get ready for invitations for free-spirited activities like playing frisbee outside barefoot and cool slightly alternative activities like getting coffee and studying together in the library.  With this seemingly 'great catch' giving flirty affection to all the girls he is 'really close friends' with on a regular basis, it's no wonder that many girls fall into the trap of thinking he's totally into them and about to make them his perfect little Jesus pimptress girlfriend.  I'm sorry to break it to you, darlings, but he's not.  He's probably taking another little fresh-faced female to your favorite coffee shop right now. 


2.) The Evangelist

 This type of Jesus pimp is heavier on the Jesus, lighter on the pimp. The term 'missionary dating' comes to mind here. This type of J.P. likes to bring females of lesser spiritual vigor than himself on 'dates' such as attending a worship night or Bible study together.  He often wears some type of Christian influenced jewelry and is likely a member of Christian fraternity like BYX (Brothers Under Christ).  His hobbies often include playing the guitar or djembe in a worship band and going on mission trips to Africa.  


3.) The Over-Eager

 This J.P. is ready to be a hubby and if you do something as innocent as introduce yourself to him at a crowded bar, this makes you a worthy candidate to be his wifey. Seriously, this guy goes from 0-60 in less than 10 seconds. Heaven forbid you actually agree to go on a first date with him...date #2 might be looking at engagement rings.  Okay, this is a bit of hyperbole, yes, but this type of J.P. really does want to dive into an intense serious relationship ridiculously quickly, often based simply on the fact that you too like Jesus and you have given him the slightest bit of attention.  He does not understand subtlety, so unfortunately, when you catch onto his craziness and screen all of his calls, he won't get it.  You're going to have to just be up front and tell him it's a no go and to look elsewhere for his love connection (and even then, he will probably sporadically try to flirt with you via facebook chat for many months/years to come), unless of course you too are one of the "ring before spring" types, in which case, every happiness to you both... 


4.) The Non-Committer

 This type of J.P. is particularly confusing. He will take a girl on many legit, non-deniable dates and play the complete role of a boyfriend (planning the dates, picking her up, opening the car door, paying for everything, etc.) only to claim that he and the girl are 'just friends' months later when the girl finally caves and brings up a DTR (define the relationship) conversation of sorts. These are more than the 'hang out' dates common to the multi-tasker; these are nice dinners/drinks/movies/concerts/etc. Straight up dates.  During these wonderful dates, there will likely be a confusing lack of affection.  When the ridiculous mixed signals get the best of her and the girl brings up a DTR (because he certainly won't bring it up himself) he will likely say some sort of (lame) excuse like that he really loves spending time with her but that he just can't be in a relationship during this season of life or that he doesn't think God wants him to date right now or something like that. 


5.) The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

 This J.P. comes off as an innocently sweet guy, chivalrous, respectful and thoughtful to the max, but in reality he just wants to take off your pretty little church dress. He will likely play up the good guy card big time, sharing many qualities with the evangelist and multi-tasker.  Don't let the fact that you met him at church, he volunteers with Big Brothers/Big Sisters and he brings you on such innocent creative dates like flying kites and feeding the ducks at the duck pond fool you.  He can throw those positive moral values down the drain and turn into the likes of a horny frat guy faster than you can say "P-I-M-P."  


So there you have the five main categories of Jesus pimps. Several of these behaviors overlap between categories (especially The Evangelist's characteristics), and the tendencies/behaviors of this special breed of boys are by no means limited to those described here. 


I hope this PSA is an enlightening resource to help girls avoid the confusion and frustration of encounters with Jesus pimps and to help boys not be Jesus pimps themselves.  Spread the word: friends don't let friends date/be Jesus pimps. 


your PSA announcer, 
Annie