Top Ten Things I Learned From My Daddy (by Amy)

It's time for another Top Ten list! This one is extra sentimental for me because today is the one year anniversary of my sweet Papa passing away. (And I definitely shed some tears as I read this). This month, my mom (Amy) is sharing... 

When Annie and I discussed my contributing to her blog in October (my birthday month!), we probably came up with ten potential topics. The list included decorating on a budget, holiday entertaining, tips for planning a wedding, mother of the bride survival tips, mother of the groom survival tips, work/life balance, self-care ideas, the perils of perfectionism, and how to survive the death of your parents. She vetoed some of these as not pertinent information for her demographic, but if any of these sound like something you’d like to read let Annie know. Maybe she’ll let me guest again next year for my birthday. For today she has graciosly given me a public forum in which to reflect on a topic that far eclipses anything else I may know or have experienced. Today I choose to share my Top Ten Things I Learned from My Daddy. Not sure it is really the top ten, but it is ten important things I gleaned from my 56 years with him.

1.       My daddy had a very difficult childhood, yet he was the most gentle and loving father ever. He did not allow his harsh upbringing to ruin his life nor did he use it as an excuse to shirk his responsibility as a husband, father, or grandfather. 

      Take-away tip:  Don’t whine. Don’t make excuses. We can’t always choose our circumstances but we can usually choose what we do with it.

2.       Although not well-educated, my daddy was so wise, so smart, and so capable. He had great practical knowledge and skills, excellent common sense, and taught me how to figure things out. 

      Take-away tip: Learn to think. Do not undervalue life wisdom and experience. Just because someone has lots of education does not mean they know much. The practical skills learned from my parents have served me far more than all my education.

3.       Daddy worked hard to provide for his family. We always had everything we needed and some of what we wanted. As a child I never heard my parents argue about money, and they worked well together to make what we had work. I do have a very distinct memory of a time when Daddy took me to town to get my Easter dress and Easter shoes, usually the only new dress and shoes I’d get in Spring. The other occasion for any new shoes or clothes was back-to-school shopping. Anyway, we came home with a very snazzy golden-yellow dress with turquoise and orange flowers (it truly looked like something Goldie Hawn would have worn on Laugh-In), some flashy golden-yellow patent leather shoes that would certainly not go with anything else in my wardrobe, and the matching purse complete with a sliding gold chain strap. SO not practical! SO out of character from anything I had ever owned (before or since, truth be told), but SO much fun! And what a memory! My fiscally responsible and ever-so-practical mother was not as impressed with our treasures when we presented them, but in her wisdom she allowed the decision to stand and there has never been a prouder Easter morning in my life. 

      Take-away tip:  Work hard. Be practical. Save for the future. Never spend more than you have. But on occasion indulge yourself and those you love.

4.       Sadly, I did not find any of the letters my father wrote to me when he was in Viet Nam. I do remember how excited I was to come home from school and have a letter or a package from him. I have the china he sent Mama when he was overseas, and have a clear memory of helping her unpack it when I came home from school and she was digging into a huge box and there was packing material everywhere and she was very happy. I also remember the scary dreams I would have after seeing things on the news about the war. 
      Take-away tip:  Write actual letters to your children, save some of them, and be aware of the effects of television/news/media on little ones when loved ones may be in harm’s way.

5.       My Daddy always made me feel like I was the smartest, prettiest, most special girl ever. No one has ever made me feel so safe and so loved and as cherished as he did. He made it so natural to see my Heavenly Father as good and strong and loving and a refuge. I never wanted to let him down. 

      Take-away tip:  Speak words of affirmation and blessing to your children. Don’t let there be any question in their mind that they are the most beloved children on the planet, and that they can trust you.

6.       Every time we would arrive to my parents’ house for a visit he and Mama would greet us as we walked in the door. There would be hugs and kisses and I had no idea at the time how special and finite every greeting was. Over the last year of each of their lives the carport door greetings ended as they became too weak to come to us. 

      Take-away tip: Take the time to stop what you are doing and properly, thoroughly, and lovingly greet your people when they travel far to come see you.

7.       In recent years, taking Daddy to town, usually on a distinct mission, was a source of fun and adventure. I especially recall the patio furniture escapade from the summer of 2014. He picked what he wanted but with no truck to bring it home we decided to uncrate all the parts, stuff it all into my Honda Accord, cart it home then sit together under the new porch and build it together so that he and Mama could have a comfortable place to enjoy her last few months. He was so proud of my “get it done” prowess!  

      Take-away tip: Get out of your agenda and into theirs sometimes. Even chores can become treasured adventures.

8.       Perhaps one of our final grocery store adventures was the time Annie and Chris accompanied us to the commissary. We had a divide and conquer plan in place so I left Daddy and Annie and Chris while I was searching for something on his list. She tells the hilarious story of the twinkle in his gorgeous blue eyes as he sped around the corner in his shopping scooter when he spotted the chocolate candy. 

      Take-away tip: Beware of cute old men on motorized carts near chocolate, and take your elders shopping and help them whenever you can, even if it isn’t convenient.

9.       The shift from me depending on my Daddy to him depending on me was both gradual and alarmingly sudden. It is such a disconcerting and difficult season of life. It is easy to second-guess yourself and start “shoulding” on yourself later (“I should’ve done this, I shouldn’t have done that…”) but don’t. It is just a really hard time in life. You do the best you can, learn as you go, and forgive yourself if you have regrets. I don’t have many regrets. I visited regularly, I prioritized what was important to him (and to Mama in her final months), I did everything I could think of to keep him safe and comfortable, to honor his wishes, to help him plan and settle his affairs, and to enjoy him. 
      Take-away tip: Do not put off…visits, words of affirmation and gratitude, practical helps, time together, getting affairs in order, listening, loving.  When you are with elderly loved ones, truly be with them. Put away your devices. Join them in their world.

10.   I had the privilege of being with both my parents when they died. I am so grateful for this gift. They showed me it is better on the other side. Each one left Earth their own way. Mama had to work on it for awhile, she left pretty specific instructions regarding her affairs, she wanted to be surrounded by her loved ones and she got all those things. Daddy kind of sneaked out on us. He waited until no one was there but me, we had no idea he was about to go until he went, and the last interaction we had I told him I loved him so much and kissed him on his sweet head and he told me he loved me too and I had no idea those would be his last words ever. After that exchange he went to sleep, he died about an hour later, and my life changed forever. 

     Take-away tip: Never miss a chance to tell your loved ones how much you love them. Ever.

Thanks for allowing me this cathartic reflection. I finished this at 6:50 pm on October 23, 2016. That is just about to the minute the time one year ago that my Daddy said his last words.